Nik Nik
Wow I definetly just woke up and it’s about 4 PM….sad. But I had stayed up all night pretty much working on this video for Niki (Go down to november 28th if you don’t know). I think it’s really good, makes me smile.
Today I made a webband in memory of Niki, it’s on the top corner of my site and I want to get this around. If Niki touched you in some way or another please feel free to use it, it would make me so happy and I know she would be too.
I definetly miss that girl. I will write more when I am more awake.
Mollie
Picture of the day
Grow up
So today I found out something that REALLY upset me. It more made me angry and I almost did something but was stopped. But it’s really sad how adults can act exactly like highschoolers and talk crap about people. Seriously, you all should be the one giving me the lectures on how “gossiping is bad”..
I deleted my account on blogexplosion because a good friend of mine is being fed crap she doesn’t deserve. It’s been going on for awhile now and I was also affected by this “crap talking” awhile back but decided to stick around. Bad choice.
I feel sorry for the people involved and feel they need to do that. Really am sorry, hope you find you’re happiness sooner or later. No one talks crap about a sweet person for no reason.
25peeps
I finally made 25peeps
Please click here: http://www.25peeps.com/r/2329 and my picture as well! That would be awesome!!
Things have been alright the past few days… I am ok.
I was at my friends house the other day and we made a video.
Thoughts.
All Alone- Kutless
Icy chills round your heart
A heart that’s made of stone
It seems like
Life is out to get you
To destroy what you want
I know that, that you blame me for all that you go through
It could be, so different if you would just let it go
You’re all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You’re all alone
But you don’t have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way
If you would change your perspective
You’d see that it is true
Life is not always what you want
Sometimes it’s hard to bear
I’d be with you, and help you in all that you go through
I love you, let Me change your heart by coming in
You’re all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You’re all alone
But you don’t have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way
Thanks to everyone who’s commented, the support is amazing
It’s taken me some time to get myself to write again.
It has been easy for me to keep my emotions under control when I am at school, I really dont know what I would do with myself if I broke down…I’ve had a few close calls but I’ve been ok. It’s mainly when I am by myself or talking to lulu…
I don’t think I mentioned that I have this constant warm feeling throughout my body…its nothing I can describe in words. I think it’s both Niki and God showing me that it is ok, I am not the only one who is getting these feelings. Some of her friends and family members have it too..it’s so awesome.
Everynight I have been talking to Niki, telling her so much. How much she meant, and I even showed her my cat I once told her about (He gives kisses). I know she’s listening and I know she’s there and I told her never to leave me. I want to grow up with her in my heart, I want to live like her.
I am naming my first baby girl Nicole Madeleine, Niki’s real name was “Nicolette” but I like Nicole, pretty much means the same thing and her nickname will be Niki (For as long as my baby lets me call her that) hehe. Think I’m kidding? Call me when I’m 25.
Today we did Senior Confessions, regrets and Quotes..For my quote I used “If the world was perfect, Heaven wouldn’t be desirable”…I am so happy.
Nik Nik, I ate brownies yesterday and today and pretty much the WHOLE thing, but I bet you could have eaten more. =)
I seriously will never look at brownies, redbull and cupcakes the same again.
I am so happy right now, but so sad too.
I have never been so close to the Lord as I am now.
Some commenters are wondering what happened, please read down to November 28th
I want everyone to know this.
I posted this as well on facebook so I am just gonna put it here too.
The main thing Niki had shown me before she left this Earth was to not worry. Not worry about the little things. That life is “so small in comparison to Heaven”, and now that she’s gone, her advice has really taken place in my life. I don’t care about people who think differently of me then who I say I am..no one’s perfect in any way. I don’t care about the people who gossip or hate me. I don’t care about the people who aren’t real. Jesus is the reason for the season!! (and my life)
My main goal in life now is to live it to the fullest, love Jesus with all I have and be in Heaven with Niki, Andrea and all the family that love me.
And it will never change. Nothing else is important.
I don’t really think anyone understands how bad I crave Heaven right now. But I love life and I want to live it exactly like Niki did.
Read the Book 90 Minutes in Heaven By Don Piper.
I want to thank everyone for the comments and IMs. Your support means a lot. Please continue to pray for the family. Niki’s funeral is tomorrow and since she does not live near me, I won’t be going but in heart I will be there.
When you finally find me..
Mark Harris – Wish You Were Here
From the album The Line Between The Two
I wanted to tell you how closely I’ve kept
The memories of you in my heart
And all of the lifetimes that we had to share
Live even though we’re apart
But don’t cry for me
‘Cause I’m finally free
(Chorus)
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That’s where I’ll be
When you finally find me
No don’t you be weary cause waiting for you
Are wonders that you’ve never known
Just hold on to Jesus, reach out for his hands
And one day They’ll welcome you home
And that’s when you’ll be
Finally free
Finally free
(Chorus)
I wish you were here, I wish you were here
And all of the dreams that you treasure
Will soon come together
And that’s when your sorrow will find tomorrow
And you will rise again
(Chorus)
We’ll run with the angels on streets made of gold
We’ll listen to stories of saints new and old
We’ll worship our maker that’s where we’ll be
When you finally find me
I wish you were here
God (sorry God), I miss her so much. I think the reason it was not as bad the past 2 days was because I was in shock. I am slowing starting to go nuts. She was like my sister, Oh my Gosh she is really gone, my baby is gone.
I had this dream last night. Sometimes I tend to hear my music in my dreams and last night was one of them. Lulu told me that this morning she was going up to Niki’s to help plan the funeral, and that niki will be buried in one of those above ground cripts next to her parents. I told her to please tell Niki bye for me…well last night (that part wasn’t a dream)…but during my dream, I was at Niki’s funeral and she was laying there wrapped in something, something white almost like a mummy, and I just held her and told her what she meant to me, and I could hear the song in my last post “Goodbye my lover” the exact words I remember hearing were “I am a dreamer but when I wake, You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.”
I miss her…I miss her so much. I can’t handle this right now. She was a pure angel.
“Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
you have been the one
for me.
So here is my Thirsday Thirteen
1. Niki
2. Niki’s smile
3. Niki’s laugh
4. Niki’s personality
5. Niki’s ability to be able to make people feel better, in any situation
6. Niki’s strength
7. Niki’s courage
8. Niki’s old AIM conversations and facebook notes
9. I am going to print those and keep them until the day I die.
10. Niki telling me about the book 90 min in heaven. Everyone should read it. True story. I know for a fact God wanted Niki to tell me about this book, it preparedme for a lot.
11. Her kindness towards everyone she knew
12. Niki I love you
13. I will never forget you, pretty girl.
You touched my heart, you touched my soul, you changed my life and all my goals -James blunt
Can’t stop listening to this song.
I have so many thoughts going through my head right now. I made a playlist on itunes titled “Niki”. It only has 4 songs, and have been on repeat since last night. Niki’s death has been different though, different then Andrea’s. I remember reading somewhere that there’s a difference between unexpected (Andrea) and expected (Niki). But I feel Niki so close to me. I told that to a friend name lulu and she said ME TOO!. Lulu knew Niki in person. I told her tonight that when she’s see’s Niki at her funeral, to say goodbye to her for me. Then I started crying. There are moments where I am fine then I just lose it. I miss her so much. I am losing it right now. I am so stressed out. I thought I would be ok, and I know I will soon but right now…I just want to run in a field and scream..scream her name.
It really baffled me that she died yesterday. She had left me a message on facebook a few hours before. Then at 6, she was gone. But I am happy she is free…She kept relapsing over and over. She lost both of her parents to this cancer as well and she needs to be with them. She was the most perfect girl. Too perfect for this earth therefore needs to be with the loving God. And she is..I know it. I feel it. But it doesn’t change the hurt and the pain. I love her so much.
My sister is really upset with what happened. She actually found out she died before I did and called and told me. She wonders why God would give her cancer. And her cousin pasted what Niki wrote a long time ago in her old journal:
“it happened to me because shit happens. bad things happen. and it has to happen to someone because the world can’t be perfect. heaven wouldn’t be desirable. God comforts us when we’re alone, believes in us when no one else does, pops us back on the right path when we’re lost, and LOVES us no matter what we do. when we sin and do awful things, He still loves us. he brightens our days, and he loves us. to know that you’re eternally loved is a wonderful feeling. why did cancer happen to me? i have no idea, but it did, and i will shed my own light in the darkness. besides that, smiling feels so much better than crying. the one thing i’ve learned from all of this is to never lose faith. even when you feel like you’ve suffered unjustly, never loose faith. it’s what holds you together, and pulls you out of the bad times. it allows you to smile when the world says cry, which is a much better feeling than being sad.” -Niki
Last week she knew I was sad about Andrea’s anniversary and she sent me a longg message and here is a part of it. It made me smile
“life is so small in comparison to when we get to heaven. when we get there, all our hurting during our life will be about the size of a ladybug ( a pretty one with lots of dots) in comparison. it will be worth it.”- Niki
Our last AIM conversation
ohpsitsmollie: I love you
all the sunshine: i love you with all the love in the world
all the sunshine: it spills from this box
all the sunshine: like
all the sunshine: ..
all the sunshine: chocolate
all the sunshine: cupcakes.
ohpsitsmollie: Awww lol
ohpsitsmollie: Don’t make me cry
ohpsitsmollie: I’m saving that
all the sunshine: :]
Niki you were so brave. See you when it’s my time to go.
I love you.
Mollie
Edit
I wanted to share this because I thought it was so amazing..I usually get Klove’s encouraging word of the day on my phone each morning and they day after Niki died, I got a message from God
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me
with joy.
Psalm 30:11 NLT | Context | Print
RIP Niki Madeleine November 28th, 2006
I really don’t feel much like talking about this. But my friend Niki went to heaven today at the age of 20.
Excuse my language but fuck you cancer.
She was my Angel…always will be. The most amazing girl I have EVER met on this planet.
RIP baby. I am glad I was able to tell you everything I felt. I have NO regrets.
ah
You know what really sucks????
Premenstrual Syndrome.
I feel like crying for no reason, I loveee that.
Everything is making me sooo angry today, I keep losing battles over at blogexplosion. Is my journal really that bad?
And I feel like I am talking to myself.
Maybe I’ll clean my room. That will make me happy, yes.
EDIT: I just ran so hard 5 times around thie huge field..my first time in about a year. I am SO sick. I came back in crying and was dizzy and stook my head under cold water for like 5 min.
It was weird though, I kept seeing my shadow behind me in this one particular area of the field…at first I thought it was someone and turned around real fast and no one was there…then I saw it as my old self chasing me, sounds dumb I know but I have beem slipping a lot lately…using bad words, getting angry easily etc. I won’t let my old self back in, I just can’t.
I’ve figured it out!
How was everyone’s thanksgiving?? Mine was good and of course the next morning I was up a 6 am with my mom at Target with a bunch of rude people buying stuff to add to our collection’s of “junk we don’t need” and what I bought was not even on sale. HAHA. I bought a new mp3 player called a zen, my ipod is pretty much not working anymore so I got this, it’s only 1 gb and not the color I want but I am not gonna complain hehe.
As most of you know, photography is something I am interested in more than anything. Ever since I was a little girl I would watch my dad develop pictures the old fashioned way in the basment AKA “the dark room” for hours. He used to go to Guatemala every year and take pictures of the people there and they just turned out so wonderful.
Around my Sophomore year in higschool I started realizing that maybe I wanted to walk in his footsteps. But mostly, my favorite things to take pictures of were of objects and nature scenes. click to make bigger
But I have a new interest, something that I really think I want to persue as my career after highschool. Taking pictures of pregnant women and couples etc, and the baby after it’s born. My sister is getting ready to have a baby in May and I am going to be doing her pictures for it and I have never been more excited. If these turn out okay I am pretty sure I am going to do something with it.
Wish me luck!!
Mollie
