You touched my heart, you touched my soul, you changed my life and all my goals -James blunt
Can’t stop listening to this song.
I have so many thoughts going through my head right now. I made a playlist on itunes titled “Niki”. It only has 4 songs, and have been on repeat since last night. Niki’s death has been different though, different then Andrea’s. I remember reading somewhere that there’s a difference between unexpected (Andrea) and expected (Niki). But I feel Niki so close to me. I told that to a friend name lulu and she said ME TOO!. Lulu knew Niki in person. I told her tonight that when she’s see’s Niki at her funeral, to say goodbye to her for me. Then I started crying. There are moments where I am fine then I just lose it. I miss her so much. I am losing it right now. I am so stressed out. I thought I would be ok, and I know I will soon but right now…I just want to run in a field and scream..scream her name.
It really baffled me that she died yesterday. She had left me a message on facebook a few hours before. Then at 6, she was gone. But I am happy she is free…She kept relapsing over and over. She lost both of her parents to this cancer as well and she needs to be with them. She was the most perfect girl. Too perfect for this earth therefore needs to be with the loving God. And she is..I know it. I feel it. But it doesn’t change the hurt and the pain. I love her so much.
My sister is really upset with what happened. She actually found out she died before I did and called and told me. She wonders why God would give her cancer. And her cousin pasted what Niki wrote a long time ago in her old journal:
“it happened to me because shit happens. bad things happen. and it has to happen to someone because the world can’t be perfect. heaven wouldn’t be desirable. God comforts us when we’re alone, believes in us when no one else does, pops us back on the right path when we’re lost, and LOVES us no matter what we do. when we sin and do awful things, He still loves us. he brightens our days, and he loves us. to know that you’re eternally loved is a wonderful feeling. why did cancer happen to me? i have no idea, but it did, and i will shed my own light in the darkness. besides that, smiling feels so much better than crying. the one thing i’ve learned from all of this is to never lose faith. even when you feel like you’ve suffered unjustly, never loose faith. it’s what holds you together, and pulls you out of the bad times. it allows you to smile when the world says cry, which is a much better feeling than being sad.” -Niki
Last week she knew I was sad about Andrea’s anniversary and she sent me a longg message and here is a part of it. It made me smile
“life is so small in comparison to when we get to heaven. when we get there, all our hurting during our life will be about the size of a ladybug ( a pretty one with lots of dots) in comparison. it will be worth it.”- Niki
Our last AIM conversation
ohpsitsmollie: I love you
all the sunshine: i love you with all the love in the world
all the sunshine: it spills from this box
all the sunshine: like
all the sunshine: ..
all the sunshine: chocolate
all the sunshine: cupcakes.
ohpsitsmollie: Awww lol
ohpsitsmollie: Don’t make me cry
ohpsitsmollie: I’m saving that
all the sunshine: :]
Niki you were so brave. See you when it’s my time to go.
I love you.
Mollie
Edit
I wanted to share this because I thought it was so amazing..I usually get Klove’s encouraging word of the day on my phone each morning and they day after Niki died, I got a message from God
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me
with joy.
Psalm 30:11 NLT | Context | Print
RIP Niki Madeleine November 28th, 2006
I really don’t feel much like talking about this. But my friend Niki went to heaven today at the age of 20.
Excuse my language but fuck you cancer.
She was my Angel…always will be. The most amazing girl I have EVER met on this planet.
RIP baby. I am glad I was able to tell you everything I felt. I have NO regrets.
ah
You know what really sucks????
Premenstrual Syndrome.
I feel like crying for no reason, I loveee that.
Everything is making me sooo angry today, I keep losing battles over at blogexplosion. Is my journal really that bad?
And I feel like I am talking to myself.
Maybe I’ll clean my room. That will make me happy, yes.
EDIT: I just ran so hard 5 times around thie huge field..my first time in about a year. I am SO sick. I came back in crying and was dizzy and stook my head under cold water for like 5 min.
It was weird though, I kept seeing my shadow behind me in this one particular area of the field…at first I thought it was someone and turned around real fast and no one was there…then I saw it as my old self chasing me, sounds dumb I know but I have beem slipping a lot lately…using bad words, getting angry easily etc. I won’t let my old self back in, I just can’t.
I’ve figured it out!
How was everyone’s thanksgiving?? Mine was good and of course the next morning I was up a 6 am with my mom at Target with a bunch of rude people buying stuff to add to our collection’s of “junk we don’t need” and what I bought was not even on sale. HAHA. I bought a new mp3 player called a zen, my ipod is pretty much not working anymore so I got this, it’s only 1 gb and not the color I want but I am not gonna complain hehe.
As most of you know, photography is something I am interested in more than anything. Ever since I was a little girl I would watch my dad develop pictures the old fashioned way in the basment AKA “the dark room” for hours. He used to go to Guatemala every year and take pictures of the people there and they just turned out so wonderful.
Around my Sophomore year in higschool I started realizing that maybe I wanted to walk in his footsteps. But mostly, my favorite things to take pictures of were of objects and nature scenes. click to make bigger
But I have a new interest, something that I really think I want to persue as my career after highschool. Taking pictures of pregnant women and couples etc, and the baby after it’s born. My sister is getting ready to have a baby in May and I am going to be doing her pictures for it and I have never been more excited. If these turn out okay I am pretty sure I am going to do something with it.
Wish me luck!!
Mollie
Thursday Thirteen
Thursday Thirteen
This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for:
1. The Lord
2. My family and friends, especially the ones that put up with my lovely mood swings
3. Niki and Andrea
4. Diet Coke
5. Everyone who is working hard towards to cure to cancer
6. Brownies and dark chocolate during my TMO (hehe)
7. Photography, my artistic way of expressing myself
8. Warm bubble baths
9. Sarah McLachlan and her Wintersong Album
10. NYC
11. Starbucks
12. Christian Music (Klove)
13. Music
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
Happy Thanksgiving!
With 282 links in the last 180 days, Technorati places http://my-walk-with-him.blogspot.com in the high authority group.
Well, not an A list blogger, but really didn’t expect to be a B! haha
The High Authority Group [B-List Bloggers]
(100-499 blogs linking in the last 6 months)
The third group represents a decided shift in blog age while not blogging much more frequently than the last. In keeping with the theme of the maturation of the blogosphere, it seems evident that many of these bloggers were previously in category two and have grown in authority organically over time. In other words, sheer dedication pays off over time.
Well, cool. Anyway, woke up around 11 AM which is probably my usual. And am drinking a redbull right now which is heaven. haha.
Tomorrow is my sisters 19th birthday, AND thanksgiving =) I am going to get her something from Coach…one of my favorite stores =)
Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!! I am thankful for my LIFE.
EDIT: I was just standing in the kitchen crying, trying to see the good that comes out of death, especially one that is only 20 years old. I am trying to hard to see the light through it all. So hard.
Just pray for Niki. Please?
3 years later
I sent this out as an email, but I think it is good as a blog post as well.
Dear Everyone,
For those of you who knew/heard of Andrea, tomorrow (now today) will be 3 long years since she went to Heaven and even though it is much more amazing there, it’s still hard (maybe harder) as the years keep coming. I wanted to write this to everyone because tomorrow I know the family is going to need prayers (me as well). November 20th is the hardest day of the year and if you all could just visit her site, watch the video I made for her and just say a little prayer, or whatever you all do..that would be such a blessing. Thank you.
Her site is http://john-andrea.blogspot.com
the video is in the middle of the page.
Mollie
EDIT: I want to make note of something that was said to be tonight by a “friend”. yes, andrea died three years ago but since when is there a time limit that I can miss her? You had no right, whatsoever. and 3 years was NOT that long ago. You have no idea how this made me feel. I can hardly even keep tears back I am so upset.
This was a good way to piss me off. BIG time. Thanks. Love you too.
So here’s some facts
Remember
*Grief is different for everyone.
*Grief is a high stressor.
*Grief takes a long time.
*Grief is an emotional roller coaster. A grieving person may have extreme emotional highs and lows.
*Grief returns on holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and other special events.
Sudden vs. Expected Death
Sudden Death:
*Shock and disbelief last longer.
*Sudden death can be more confusing, bringing up many feelings to deal with all at once.
*There is no time to say goodbye.
Not going to lie, I miss her BIG TIME THIS YEAR. …
Not going to lie, I miss her BIG TIME THIS YEAR.
I would like to do something in honor of her this year but I really don’t know what. The only thing I can really think of is light a candle for her or something. I did that 2 years ago.
My sign language teacher really makes me happy. I always think people will think I am crazy that I miss someone so much that I met online. She knows that I haven’t and I can sit and just tell her everything about her and she won’t think a thing. I know I shouldn’t care what people think of me. It’s gotten better though. I am such a free spirit then what I used to be. Was All packed tight into one big box of conformity. Ew.
Okay Well I don’t know what else to write. But I love you all who comment.
Mollie
“I wish I had a river, I could skate away on” – Sarah McLachlan
A river that reached Canada.
November…pain all over again.
Before I write this, don’t call me emo, especially when you don’t know what it’s like to lose someone you loved so much…Cancer sucks.
I love Christmas time…er..the winter season, whatever anyone calls it. But not as much as I used to. November is a very hard month for me. This year seems to be harder then last year. And it’s not because Andrea’s gone. That’s what it used to be. I know she is in a better place and I wouldn’t want anything different. It’s the memory of all the emotions and feelings and pain that happened 3 years ago. If that makes sense. Just reliving the day over again. I remember everything about that day. It was so sudden which is why it hit me so hard. I didn’t know. No one told me she was about to die.
And so on November 20th, 2003, finding out she was gone. It was too much for a just turned 15 year old to handle…
But it changed me. For the better.
I know what life’s about. I really do. Which is why I refuse to do things that aren’t necessary for my life. You know what I am talking about.
Which is why it upsets me when people also assume things about me. You have no idea who I am. You never will. Its really too complex actually.
I am holding my tears in so hard my throat hurts.
I write about this every year because it helps me. and I also want people to know about her. She was so amazing. I also really think they need people to get mammorgrams at an earlier age. Andrea was diagnosed at 26 .26. not 40. and was gone 4 years later.
Hope you are having a fun time in Heaven my Angel. See you soon.
(Remember, there is no time in heaven. When it’s my time to go it will seem like I came in an instant)
God, thank you. For everything. Even though it hurts, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
And thank you for Sarah McLachlan. She’s helped me through all of this.
It really sucks how I’m getting more and more bad …
It really sucks how I’m getting more and more bad at this. For some reason, I don’t think writing in this is really something that’s important to me anymore. I was told that instead of me having many blogs, that I have just “given up on it”. Which I have. I didn’t really think I needed it anymore but I do now….
So much has been happening, family problems and something else I can’t discuss. I try not to let it bother me but it is…and November 20th is coming up. Andrea has been almost gone 3 years and it seems like it happened just yesterday but also having to live each day with so much pain the 1st year or so, it also seems like its been forever since it happened. I have gotten better with it, I really have but I still have some moments where I call out to her and ask her to give me some sign, which I don’t think I have gotten but maybe I don’t really need it. Faith is what I need and I have faith that she’s in the best place in the world, with people that she loves surrounding her 24/7. I know it.
Yesterday I found out a friend of mine named Niki who is a little older then me’s cancer relapsed for like the millionth time..it’s in her brain now. I don’t really wanna talk about how I am feeling at this point but it’s not good. I know God is with me through all of this. Last night I asked God to bring me some kind of comfort and about a minute later the song “Homesick” by Mercyme came on and its about someone who’s died is in a better place, etc. It made me cry harder.
Life can be so painful, but I know its all here for a reason and one day, everything will be ok.
Jesus come soon.
I have been asking that a lot lately.
